Part One: Player Raccoons¶

Trashed Crash Pandas?¶

Yes. You’re a (mostly) normal but (decidedly) uncommon raccoon who drinks beer and drives racing cars. You can’t read or speak the human language but can communicate with other animals. The main thing that sets you apart from others of your kind is your heightened ambition. Other trash pandas may want some things (mainly trash) or know some things (mainly where to find suitable trash), but for the most part, they’re not up for grocery shopping, evading law enforcement, or driving an 18-wheeler on the interstate.

You might be dismissed as a “common raccoon” (Procyon lotor to friends), but you ain’t common. Sure, you occasionally indulge in people’s trash—that goes without saying. But you’re not anybody’s pet!

Raccoon Racer¶

Why are you, a raccoon, entering the world of illegal street racing? And looking for beer? Are you in this for love, fortune, fame, or justice? Who’s your rival? Are they human? Do they know you even exist? What’s the burning conflict in your beating procyonine heart that spurs drama?

Name your raccoon and write a sentence or two describing them and their backstory.

Here’s an online character sheet. You can find a printable version in the appendix.

The Smack¶

Each of you brings one exceptional talent to your smack. Smack? It’s the collective noun for raccoons.

Choose one of the following talents for your raccoon. Each can be chosen only once in your smack.

What is your raccoon good at?

Brains: helping another raccoon
Face: duping humans
Fingers: using human things
Jitters: drinking a lot of energy drinks
Mongo: drinking a lot of beer
Rabid: terrorizing humans
Slick: being stealthy
Speed Racer: high-speed driving and crazy car stunts

So, how does this all work? It looks like we roll dice.¶

Glad you asked.

The core of this game is an improvisational conversation between the player raccoons and the raccoon wrangler (RW). The RW describes the players’ current situation. Then the players ask questions and tell the RW what their raccoons do. The RW explains the results of their actions, and then the players react again and describe more activities, and so on.

When you do something extraordinary (at least for a raccoon) and risky, the RW might ask you to roll one six-sided die (d6) to determine an outcome.

If you roll a 5 or 6, that means you get what you wanted. It’s a complete success. You did the thing! Huzzah!
If you roll a 4 or less, you still get (mostly) what you wanted, but it’s not a complete success, and some complication happens.

However, if you want to avoid complications, you can push your luck!

Roll a second d6, and add the result to the previous roll. If the result is a 5 or 6, it’s a complete success. Simple.

But here’s the catch…

If the total of the two rolls is 7 or higher, that’s a big fail. With fail sauce. You don’t get what you wanted, you probably get what you didn’t want, and the RW begins chortling.

What about that stuff my raccoon is good at?¶

Great question. For anything you’re good at, once per session, you can turn a 7+ result related to your talent into a complete success. For example, a raccoon with the Mongo talent can ignore a result of 7+ on a beer dice roll and not pass out.

Note: The Brains talent is slightly different. It allows for another raccoon to ignore a 7+ result for anything and turn it into a success.

Remember, your talent can be used only once in a game session, so employ it wisely.

Now with Dumpster Diving!¶

So, what about starting gear?

You don’t have any. You’re a raccoon.

But you know where you can find some: dumpsters!

When you find a dumpster, climb in and start rummaging around to find your gear.

Each raccoon digging in the garbage rolls d66 twice for two finds. What’s a d66? Roll a d6 twice, but don’t add the rolls; consider the results sequentially. For example, if you roll a 2 and then a 4, you find a box of toothpicks (lucky you!).

d66	Find	d66	Find
11	bag of balloons	41	firecrackers
12	bag of ball bearings	42	flame decal (cool!)
13	baseball bat	43	lighter
14	black leather driving gloves	44	matchbook
15	box of cigars	45	orange safety cone
16	box of expired energy drinks	46	pail of red paint
21	box of expired wine	51	penknife
22	box of nails	52	plush toy raccoon
23	box of surgical masks	53	police siren
24	box of toothpicks	54	roll of dollar bills
25	can of gasoline	55	roll of duct tape
26	car battery	56	rope
31	car jack	61	several feet of chain
32	cassette tape (Queen's Greatest Hits)	62	shopping cart
33	cough syrup	63	spare tire
34	credit card	64	trench coat
35	fake beard and glasses	65	wallet
36	fake id	66	windshield wipers

Alternately, follow this link to the whiz-bang Big All-inclusive Digital Online Dumpster Organizational Raster (aka BAD ODOR) table. The online version includes loads more stuff (even, dare I reveal, a rocket engine. Nifty.) It lists two items that you find. Click Dive! for each raccoon.

Stress¶

Face it. You’re a raccoon. The world of humans and illegal street racing can be stressful to a small urban critter. Anytime you roll a 7+ (fail!) to determine an outcome, you gain one point of stress.

Per your RW, things might also happen in the story that causes you stress, like sideswiping another car during a race. (Pro tip: to distract your RW, give them beer and talk fast.)

Once your stress level reaches four, you revert to a feral (read: dumb) raccoon. Drinking beer is the only way to get back into racing form. Each beer, or its equivalent, removes one point of stress. You’re back to your old overachieving self when you’re at three stress points or less. See the appendix for a few raccoon-approved cocktail recipes. Knocking back either of those concoctions takes off two points of stress. Your RW might like one too.

Inebriation¶

The downside to removing all that stress is drinking all that beer. Keep a running total of how much beer you consume. Anytime you drink a beer, roll d6+beer tally. On a 7+, you pass out and aren’t of much use to anyone. Raccoons are lightweights.

Sobering Up¶

How do you sober up and rejoin the adventure? Easy—quaff an energy drink of choice. An energy drink wakes you up and removes one point from your beer-consumption tally.

Totally Wired¶

Also, keep a running tally of all the energy drinks you consume. Anytime you drink one, roll d6+energy drink tally. On a 7+, you gain a point of stress. Raccoons are lightweights. Oh, wait.

Vicious cycle, huh?

What about all these drinks?¶

You’ll have to find some, buy some, or swipe some. They’re out there. Humans seem to love the stuff.

How About Car Racing?¶

First, you have to steal a car. I leave that up to you. But afterward, pop a tape into the cassette player and head out on the open road to your street race location.

After you manage to challenge an opponent, the race begins!

In each round of racing, all the raccoons in the car secretly choose one action from the following six racing options—absolutely no conferring—and then you all reveal your choices simultaneously.

Picture it. You’re scampering around the interior of a car traveling at high speed, frantically working the controls (or drinking beer in the backseat). There’s no time to metagame.

Driving Actions

BRAKE
SWERVE RIGHT
SWERVE LEFT
USE AN ITEM FROM YOUR GEAR
ACCELERATE
DO SOMETHING ELSE! (describe it)

The RW resolves all your actions in order, one after the other, starting with the lowest-numbered action (braking occurs before serving or accelerating, etc.).

Now wake up, it’s nighttime, and your smack is ready to race. Find some beer and gear and a car.

Good luck!